t was late at night on Christmas eve

I was dreaming of the soft white snow

I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree

What it was I did not know



It was Santa Clause he was bringing me some gifts

Unfortunately I did not know that

So I quietly snuck up behind him

And I shot him five times in the back



It went Pow pow pow pow pow

He said "what the fuck ow ow ow"

Then I shot him three more times in the head

Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead



That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard

And his red suit filled with bullet holes

I said "oh my god I killed santa clause

I'm not going to jail for this asshole"



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So I went to my she'd and I got my saw

And I started to choppipty chop chop

I started with his arms then his legs then his head

And then the torso was a really long job



And the blood went spurt spurt spurt

It was really hard work work work

It was hard cutting through his spine

I must have vomited sixteen times



I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace

The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose

Eleven hours later there was nothing left

And that's when I heard my telephone



It was Auntie Jean looking for Uncle Bob

She said "He left the house dressed as Santa Clause

But he didn't come home last night

Have you seen him god I hope he's alright"

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